To continue this discussion, some definitions are important. We used to think that gender was based solely on the two categories- boy or girl- based on exterior genitals. Ultrasounds would give clear clues, and then gender was thought to be done the minute the doctor announced it officially in delivery rooms. Sex assigned at birth is the phrase we use now to refer to those boy or girl categories assigned based on genitals.

We now understand that gender is much more complicated than two finite categories. Different from sex assigned at birth, our gender identity is our internal head-and-heart felt sense of gender. Others cannot determine this at a glance. For some, their gender identity can change over a their life time, and for others, their gender identity remains stable throughout their lifespan. For some people (called cisgender) their gender identity is in alignment with their sex assigned at birth. For others, (called non-binary or transgender) their internal felt sense of gender is not in alignment with the sex they were assigned at birth.

Another important concept in understanding gender, is the idea that our gender expression (how we show our internal felt sense of gender to the world) is different from our gender identity. Gender expression refers to things like how we dress, or wear our hair, or the interests we choose. Some exploration with gender expression is common during childhood. Many of us have stories of sons asking for their toenails painted, or daughters playing with Tonka trucks. This type of exploration is exactly why there are dress up clothes in preschool classrooms. Our gender expression can change from day to day, but gender identity is more stable.

Finally our sexually orientation refers to whom we find romantically and sexually attractive. It has nothing to do with how male or female or both or neither we feel, and it is entirely separate from our gender identity.

By the time children are in preschool, other children and adults notice if the clothes and toys they choose are unexpected based on their sex assigned at birth. It is often expansive gender expression that comes to adult attention first. And in many cases, those around gender expansive children let them know quickly that what they are doing is breaking societal and/or family norms. This type of negative peer and adult feedback often happens swiftly, and starts as early as preschool.

It is important to note that not all children who demonstrate gender expansive behaviors ultimate identify as non-binary or transgender. Sometimes gender expansive children grow up to be cisgender and heterosexual. Others ultimately identify as cisgender and gay or lesbian. And others identify as non-binary or transgender. From a parenting point of view, it is critical to have accurate information, and an ability to deal with ambiguity and follow your child’s lead.

Parents of gender expansive children often find themselves in situations where they need to decide whether, and how, to support their gender expansive children. Increasing data shows clearly that the more support gender expansive children have, the happier and better adjusted they are. And in fact for gender expansive, non-binary and transgender children and teens, a lack of parent support is connected with higher rates of anxiety, depression, suicide attempts and substance use. Yet, many parents have understandable confusion about gender identity development, and understandable fears about negative things their children will experience if they “allow” their children to behave in gender expansive ways.

Gender expansive kids and their parents in global nomad communities face distinct challenges. Rotating populations in expatriate communities means that gender expansive behavior is “discovered” repeatedly by changing peers, teachers and neighbors. Some host country laws mean that establishing support groups and gay/straight alliances on school campuses can be tricky. In some global nomad communities, parents are particularly hesitant to have their children identified as having “specialized needs” of any kinds as there can be career implications for parents and families living far from “home” in their passport countries. For all of these reasons, global nomad parents raising gender expansive kids need particularly informed and sensitive kinds of support to be able to benefit from many of the strengths of the thoughtful, culturally savvy global nomad community.

It is really common for all parents of gender expansive children to feel confused, isolated, and worried about the implications of decision-making along their child’s gender journey. Even the most affirming parents often need support navigating this journey. It can be an especially important time to find knowledgeable and understanding guidance and community. There are beautiful parts of walking a gender journey with a child- and parents often need support handling the hard parts to be able to fully embrace gifts that along the way on a distinct, gender expansive journey.

If you or anyone you know could benefit from thoughtful professional support, please explore drlsanderson.com or visit Common Chord Real Conversations Courses. The courses cover topics such as:

• Key Elements in a gender affirming home
• Scripts for supporting parents
• Foundations in gender: how do I understand this?
• Scripts for talking with and listening to our kids about gender
• Gender Journey: Scripts to use with loved ones

The post Gender Expansive Journeys with Dr. Laura Anderson appeared first on I am a Triangle.

When I became an expat and then a parent, the empowered patient advocate in me was quickly silenced by an awkward language barrier.  The differences in Northern Italian hospital culture and patient-care philosophy were disorienting.  I felt helpless in preparing my child for routine procedures because I was no longer able to get a clear idea of what would happen. It seemed futile to rely on hospital medical personnel to prepare him in any way, let alone in a way that would help him feel empowered and grow.

As my language skills improved, so did my confidence in dealing independently with medical issues. These minor medical events, though, made me think about those of you who are globetrotting with a child who has a serious medical condition.  You are juggling languages, diverse medical systems, and prescriptions.  Varying philosophies about treatment protocols and diverse beliefs about your role as a the parent can be overwhelming.  There are school issues and social issues to address, not to mention your child’s emotional and developmental well-being.

You are looking for continuity, consistency, and a high quality plan of care that makes sense.  You want your whole child to be recognized, for their physical and emotional treatment to be personal and aligned with your family’s beliefs and values.

• How do you manage all this when crossing cultures?
• What happens when you begin your journey in a culture that views you as a vital part of their multidisciplinary team, but the next culture marginalizes your contributions?
• What happens when the medical team in one country believes it has the “right” solutions, but doctors in the next country have a different set of “right” answers?
• How do you make sound decisions when you receive contradicting advice and input from medical personnel?

After speaking with parents who have faced questions like these, I conclude there are as many answers as there are families abroad navigating healthcare.  However, there are specific things you can do and a mindset you can nurture that will help build the kind of resilience that not only gets you through it, but makes you (and your family) better, stronger, wiser, and more courageous than you were before.

Much of the advice below comes from parents who have been where you are. Globally mobile families are hardy and resourceful and this is only the tip of the iceberg! If you have specific tips to add that have worked for you, please contact me!

First: Be the leader of your child’s health care.

You are the subject matter expert on your child and the constant in your child’s treatment. Educate yourself to the best of your ability. Check out a variety of national websites related to your child’s condition. Look for (or build) a network of parents that make you feel hopeful and supported. Find a mentor who’s parented through the same medical condition.

Coping Style

Make a point to notice how your child copes with potentially challenging tasks.  Is she someone who likes to have all the details way in advance?  Or, is he someone who copes better with less information and time to think?

Team Leader

Think of yourself as your child’s health care coordinator.  It really is possible to coordinate everyone on the “team”. Before you move, ask your doctor to help you with referrals for your next destination. If your doctor is unable to help, ask around in online expat groups. Be open to the idea of “interviewing” several doctors before deciding which one fits. It seems obvious, but choose medical providers with whom you can communicate easily.

At the same time you ask for referrals, you can also request a copy of child’s medical records. Carry a copy of those records with you on the plane. If it makes sense, ask your child’s physicians to write in your child’s medical records in English, so there is a better chance that they are understood by your next medical team.

Be Proactive

Before, or shortly after, you arrive in a new country, locate the nearest hospital emergency room and pharmacy, including the on-call number and location. Post emergency numbers on the fridge, along with what to say if there is an emergency when you are not at home.  Practice this as a family!

Get school nurses, counselors, and teachers on board in empowering your child.  Maybe his condition can be an opportunity to develop leadership skills and raise awareness.

If your child has a condition that must be monitored throughout the night, host activities like sleepovers at your house so that she doesn’t miss out on normal, age-appropriate social opportunities.

Second: Notice what is true and factual vs. opinion, tradition, or belief.

This goes for both you and the medical culture. If you haven’t had any intercultural communication training, it would be beneficial.  Being able to assert yourself in the most effective way within the cultural context is vital.  Knowing what is medically necessary verses what is a cultural belief takes some greater understanding of the culture at large.

Liberate Yourself

Know that different perspectives can be a good thing, even “liberating”, as one parent shared, because you get to see that there are many ways to solve an issue. Tame your expectations; be open to “different”ways of effectiveness.

Third and Fundamental: Prioritize self-care.

Interview for qualified babysitters or helpers who are undaunted and willing to be trained to care for your child, even if an emergency arises.  Give yourself time every day to be alone, move your body, and have contact with other adults who fill you up.  Even 15 minutes a day is worthwhile and will make a difference.

Get Unstuck

If you are stuck and not sure where to begin, work with a coach to help you identify and develop the resources you already have, so you can be the leader and parent you want to be. Seek mental health support if you have healing to do. Acknowledge your grief. Don’t allow yourself to be isolated. There really are others out there who know what it’s like and can help create solutions.

You are stronger than you know and you will surprise yourself.

The post Crossing Cultures with Your Child’s Health Condition appeared first on I am a Triangle.

My work was done. 

I needed to prepare myself.

After talking to as many people as possible who had already been through this there were definitely patterns as my friends reflected on their own uni drop off experiences,

“It’s so hard.”

“You’re really going to miss him.”

“I didn’t know what to do with myself.”

“I had nightmares.”

“We talked by phone every day for months.”

“You just have to let him go.”

“I cried all the way back to the hotel.”

All these scenarios were running around in my head, but I didn’t feel worried or nervous at all. What I felt was excitement for him as he turned the page to a brand new chapter in his life, one that I had never been encouraged to follow. There was also a sense of relief, that my work raising this young man was complete, and I’d done a pretty good job (even if I do say so myself!) and I too was entering into a brand new chapter. I didn’t say a word as my friends shared their stories and warnings. I just listened and presumed the emotions would hit me in the moment.

But they didn’t.

I didn’t feel a pang of sadness the way I did when he weaned himself from breastfeeding sooner than I had expected him to.

Tears didn’t well up in my eyes the way they did when I dropped him off at school for the first time in 4th grade.

I didn’t sniffle into a tissue the way I did when he first performed on stage in front of the whole school.

The time it took us to drop him off – from the second we drove onto campus to the second we drove off – was 45 minutes. It was so much easier than I could ever have imagined?

Why?

Maybe I’m a horrible mother?

Nah… that’s not it!

Was I hiding my feelings?

Nope… I was totally open and honest throughout the entire process.

Perhaps my son and I were glad to be rid of each other?

Absolutely not, we had the best time together over the past 19 years.

The reason is I had already let him go, years before.

Letting go of first borns

People ask me all the time about how I managed to raise children overseas, moving, on average, every two to three years. How I managed to home educate my children on top of all the international moves. How I managed to repatriate during their teenage years when the entire family was opposed to my decision to move back home after 30 years of being overseas.

I always answer these questions as honestly as I can but I’ve never really reflected deeply on what I did, from birth to uni, until now.

Not one to give advice – especially parenting advice – or try to convince people to do things this way or that. I am a firm believer that one size does not fit all, and if I do offer any words of wisdom it is to always, always follow your gut after having healed your own wounds.  The reason it’s so important for you to heal your own past traumas is that our own fears often show up as a knot in the gut, can be totally misread and we end up over compensating for what we feel we missed out on, or worse; operating as a parent from a place of fear.

So, today I’m writing to share with you the phases that we went through from birth to uni.

Interestingly, considering this wonderful I Am A Triangle Community, my approach to preparing my children had 3 distinct phases, but first, we need to know what we are aiming for. The question I asked myself when I took on the enormous responsibility of raising these tiny human beings was; what is your intention here? For me the answer was clear;  INDEPENDENCE. From the very beginning my intention was to raise adults who could take care of themselves, well. That they had the tools and confidence to reach their own potential. That they knew that they were loved unconditionally and that love is all around them – if they chose to look for it. That they were connected to their authentic selves and stayed true to the essence of who they really are. And that they understood that they were the designers of their own destiny, not me, not the government, not their boss, but themselves.

So, here is what we did:

The Foundation Phase

This is the base of the triangle, the foundation. And the most important part of the whole process. This is where I recommend putting all your parental energy. The benefits from taking the first seven years of your child’s life and committing to nurture and development is unfathomable. This is the time when their brains are on download mode; where they absorb everything that is going on around them. Not only what they see and hear, but also what they feel and sense. And all of this information goes directly to their subconscious mind, without filter of what’s right or wrong, true or not. It’s absorbed. The words we, and others, put into the minds of our young children become their inner voices later on in life. It’s worth helping them filter the input in this phase.The brain is developing at lightning speed in the first few years, this is not the time to learn to read or how to handle a bully, it’s the time for neurodevelopment and to experience the world in a safe and nurturing way. The best thing we can do for our children during this phase is to give them a sense of stability while allowing them the freedom to explore and move. Seeing, smelling, tasting, crawling, hearing, touching, spinning, balancing, anything that gets the body moving (which helps integrate both sides of the brain) and offers new experiences (which creates neural pathways).As we were moving, on average every two to three years, I decided to home educate. That meant I was able to offer the boys rich and diverse experiences on a daily basis. I could help them learn to see the connections between what we were reading about (and we read a lot) and what the world was showing us. It didn’t mean that I kept them busy from morning till night; lazy, boring, unplanned time was an absolute must and where I learned the most about their personalities. It also didn’t mean that I only fed them information; their views and opinions taught me much more than mine taught them.

This phase is very different when approached as an expat as there are many elements missing; grandparents, life long friends, roots, parent’s sense of stability, stress levels and so much more.  It also adds many experiences that are not available to non-expats; extensive travel, introduction to many people from different walks of life, diverse cultures, multiple languages and much more.

Stability is so very important for the developing child and as expats we often have to find different ways to help our children feel stable and secure. My husband was in the hotel business which meant he wasn’t around much, in fact, he left to start a new job in a new country just one month after our 1st son was born. I was left in a hotel room in a country we had been in for 9 months, with a tiny baby trying to figure out the whole first time mum deal all by myself. This was when I realised that I was the ONLY stable thing in my child’s life. As far as stability went for my boys, I was it.

I was heavily criticised for my approach to this phase as some saw it as being an over protective parent, too attached or over compensating, but I didn’t budge. In this phase my children’s needs were met; not negotiated, not manipulated and most certainly not ignored.

The question in this phase that I asked as I observed my children develop was: “Who are you?” I was determined to allow them to teach me who they were, rather than squeeze them into a predetermined mould. Phase 1 lasted for nine whole years for my first born and years for my second. As my ultimate goal was independence I felt that a strong and secure base was key, and once they had that, it was time for them to start making their own decisions. It was important for me that they decide if and when they went school. My eldest, the one who just zipped off to uni, decided he wanted to try school in 4th grade. He was confident, compassionate and had a really strong sense of self, taking to school like a duck to water.

The Letting Go Phase 

He was about 9 years old when he went to school for the first time, and he was ready. I see this phase as me handing over certain responsibilities of raising my child to other people. Yes, I said “raising” because what goes on in a school classroom is not just about academics, there’s a whole lot more education going on; social, community, authority, hierarchy etc. There are defiantly pros and cons to this type of learning environment, especially in an international school where cultural diversity and high teacher and student turnover are thrown into the mix. But again, I was confident that we had built a very strong foundation, so this phase really was our letting go. I wasn’t in charge anymore, and that was a good thing. The boys would come home from school and tell me things that had happened and we’d talk about them. I’d ask them what they thought about the situation and how they planned to handle it. I offered ideas and suggestions and then stepped back and allowed them to lead.Oh, don’t get me wrong, I moved in when necessary, and I was on high alert and very involved in the school, but generally, day to day stuff, they handled themselves.  When they came home and moaned, “I don’t want to do my homework.” I shrugged and replied, “Then don’t do it.”

They knew that they were responsible for their education from the very beginning and they never missed a beat, because it came from them.This phase was again a challenge for me because there were so many more opinions and judgements. I was criticised for the way I handled things. To some I was too involved and others didn’t understand why I gave the boys so many choices, or talked to them about certain things. The vice principle of the school once told me I was “an irresponsible parent.” It was this phase were I had to work very hard on really trusting my gut and realised, once and for all, that other people’s opinions are non of my business.

The Freedom Phase

When we moved back to my home country in 2013, I made a conscious decision to step back from the whole school mum scene. I only ever went into school when there was a parent meeting or school performance to attend. Everything was on their shoulders. This phase was about me trusting them. I never understood parents who tried to control and closely monitor their children all the way through high school and then expected them to ‘grow up’ as soon as they left home or turned 18. My expectations of them to show me how capable they were was the theme of phase 3.  I needed to know that they could handle the challenges that were thrown at them and to know when to ask for help. I needed to know that they could communicate openly and honestly. I needed to know that when I did drop them off at university, I wouldn’t have to worry about them.

And I don’t.

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Sure, it would be nice to have a girl, but of course, it doesn’t work that way and we knew it. We were simply “trying” to have a third baby.

Of course, she did turn out to be a girl. And while all of our children are third culture kids, the age gap that exists between my daughter and her older brothers somehow makes her seem like the most completely third culture.

Perhaps it’s because she was born in Washington, DC – the transit hub of our diplomatic lives. Or, maybe it’s because when we went home to visit this summer after two years in Tokyo, she was shocked to see that the signs at Starbucks were in English. And then again, it could be the fact that she asks why, in picture books, kids always have their shoes on in the house. The US doesn’t really seem all that foreign to the boys. It really does, however, to my daughter.

In that awareness, I start to think about how the touchstones for everything from culture to gender, from manners to stress management might be different for her. What unique rules apply to her, both as a girl and as a TCK? To be fair, maybe none. Maybe the rules are all the same regardless of the ways in which her nomadic upbringing, thus far, is ever so slightly different from my boys’.

But, sometimes it helps to separate the kids out a bit – to recognize how each of their individual experiences is unique from those of their siblings. This helps me to better understand the barriers that might exist to their success in this international lifestyle and to think about how to prepare them for moving through each phase in order to arrive safely at the next one.

At this moment, my daughter is five years old. She’s coming more and more into her own self. She’s started kindergarten and is getting the very first real understanding that life as a diplomat’s kid might be kinda’ different. Each phase of her life is a first for me too. I’m thinking about what it will all mean for her as the months and years pass and we keep going from assignment to assignment, from home to home. What will she need to know in order to successfully navigate what can be pretty choppy waters?

So, in celebration of International Day of the Girl, in recognition of my daughter’s globally mobile existence (6 homes in 5 years!), and giving in to my love of easily distilled life lessons – here are my 12 Essential Life Lessons for TCK Girls.

Dear Daughter:

Do not let people trap you in artificial boundaries.

This is a really border-hopping life and because of that, you sometimes forget that boundaries exist at all. I hate to break it to you, but lots of people are going to try to create them around you – from the clothes you wear to the activities in which you spend your time. Remember though, in this life, you get to see it all. You know what it’s really like out there. For every place where, “Girls don’t do that,” there’s another place where, “Yes! They totally do!”

You are every girl and every girl is you.

When you were a baby in Antananarivo, I would carry you on my back, down a dusty road to the boulangerie to buy bread. On the way home, we’d pass the two little girls, dirty faces, bare feet, disintegrating clothes, who lived behind a bush along the road and sometimes we’d share some bread with them. Now, here in Tokyo, city of money, city of models and Porches and sushi, you go to parties where every girl gets a cupcake, a bag of toys and her face painted like a butterfly. You and each of these girls are exactly the same on the inside. Exactly the same.

You have no obligation to stay with me.

I hate to say it, but it’s perhaps the biggest life lesson my parents gave me. They knew they couldn’t keep me from going far and wide and so they enthusiastically supported my desire to go, even if they worried (and probably continue to) every step of the way. So go. I won’t stop you. My heart never really leaves you anyway.

Speak another language boldly, even if poorly.

This is really about meeting people where they’re at. Connect again and again and again. Mess up. Try again. Say the wrong word and then laugh it off…and then try again. Say sorry. And while I’m at it – learn these 5 essential words in the language of every place you visit – please, thank you, sorry, toilet, help.

Do not become burdened by your baggage.

Tend to the packing and unpacking in a timely manner. Enable this process to be the bookends of a trip. Nice and tidy. To be honest, I’m not just talking about suitcases here. I’m mostly referring to your personal baggage. Take time to deal with your stuff. Have the conversation. Make the call. Go for a walk. Work it out. Don’t let all those difficult feelings pile up…they can get really, really heavy.

Always carry extra water and a small bag of nuts and chocolate.

Come prepared. Stressful things are going to happen. One should never rely on airplane food. Delays, wrong turns, unexpected bumps happen. You’ll be better able to handle them if you’re not dehydrated or hungry. Also, bring a bit extra to share.

When you think, “Should I call her?” The answer is always, always, always, “YES!”

I’m not gonna’ lie – it takes WORK to maintain relationships in this lifestyle. Sometimes, out of nowhere, you’ll feel this urge to call a friend, to check in on her, to see what latest joys she’s found in the everyday. Don’t question that urge, its motivation or where it comes from, just make the call. The best relationships are forged by taking that deliberate, thoughtful step to pick up the phone. Also, keep spare greeting cards in a box (postcards are perfect!). Send them regularly and at random times to the people you love. Don’t wait for birthdays or holidays – these days cannot be guaranteed and are not inherently more valuable than the day you’re living right now.

Remember small things can hold big memories.

You will never be able to take everything with you. Decide to accept this reality. Some stuff is just too big. And after all, it’s just stuff anyway. But there are all types of little reminders – receipts, notes, cards, paper money – that hold so much memory and they’re so portable. Fold them up and tuck them away – in a book, a box, a drawer, a bag. When you finally come upon them again, close your eyes and return to the moment and place when that little trinket represented all the energy of one particular place in time.

Speak kindly to your brothers.

We’ve been a lot of places. Who’s always there? Yep.

Be a student.

All this travel will sometimes make it feel like you know everything. You don’t. Get up close and personal with what it feels like to not know. Then, recognize when to sit up and learn something new.

Don’t be afraid to be a teacher.

Some people will say uninformed things about the places or people with whom you have had a personal experience. Listen. Hear them out. Then confidently (without apologizing) offer another perspective.

(And perhaps the most important) Home is where the heart is.

You will always feel the pull to be somewhere else. When you grow up from place to place, everywhere (and sometimes, sadly, nowhere) will feel just right. But, the answer lies inside you. Don’t be afraid to listen to that voice…even if it takes you somewhere you never expected to go my dear, dear daughter.

As we celebrate International Day of the Girl, what lessons would you add to this list?

The post International Day of the Girl: 12 Essential Life Lessons appeared first on I am a Triangle.