So it was with the same sense of adventure, excitement, and anticipation that we embarked on a life overseas for the second time last summer–this time to Taiwan, where I was born and where I lived for the first eight years of my life, and where my son would have an opportunity to learn about his heritage and my first language. Again, the possibilities seemed endless, and we were open to any and all new adventures.

But it hasn’t worked out the way we had hoped or envisioned. This past year in Taiwan hasn’t been a difficult transition–quite the opposite–but it has been a struggle in many other ways. Life here hasn’t been a good fit for us. As a result, after months of rumination and vacillation, my husband and I made the decision a few months ago to return to the United States this summer, after having been here for only one year.

Nevertheless, our journey hasn’t been for nothing. In my life thus far, I’ve experienced the world as a third-culture kid and adult, immigrant, expat, and “hidden immigrant,” and my experiences have always taught me valuable lessons. While our latest journey as expats (and hidden immigrant for me) has been unsuccessful, I’ve nevertheless gained some important insight and learned a few repatriation life lessons that will serve me well in the long run.

Repatriation Life Lessons

There’s no failure and no blame

The process of coming to our decision to return home after such a short time wasn’t an easy one. Not only did we feel as if we were letting others down, but we were also disappointed in ourselves. We felt as if we were giving up too easily, as if we had failed in some way. Why is it that so many others have been able to successfully and happily build a life for themselves here when we couldn’t? Don’t we have “what it takes” to do what they’ve done and are doing? Had we been unrealistic and unreasonable with our expectations, given our previous, overwhelmingly positive experience in Thailand? We also wondered what we were teaching our son by giving up so easily.

I felt even more inadequate when I considered that this was, after all, my country of origin, where my extended family live and roots lie, a place that I’m connected to through heritage. I felt guilty for being unable to make a life here, as if I were rejecting myself, my family, and my cultural heritage.

However, after reflecting on it for many, many weeks, I’ve finally made peace with our decision. I’m able to see–most of the time–that many factors affected our experiences and life in Taiwan, and that it simply hasn’t been a good fit for us. Having been brought up to endure situations at the expense of my own happiness, I also feel our actions teach our son to learn to heed his own feelings and instincts, to learn to stand up for his own happiness when no one else is doing so.

Taiwan is not my “home”

Of course, I had always recognized this. I knew that, after being away from Taiwan for over thirty years prior to our move, both the country and I had changed a great deal in the intervening years. But I had lived here for the first eight years of my childhood; I had been surrounded by people from Taiwan and was pretty familiar with Taiwanese culture throughout my childhood in the United States. I expected to be somewhat familiar with the traditions and culture here after we arrived. And I am, and have been, the past ten months that we’ve lived here. Furthermore, many things that I experience, hear, taste, and see here have brought forth memories and stories of my time here as a child, stories that help my husband and son to better understand me and the culture here.

What I didn’t expect is the complete disconnect that I feel with the culture and people here. Despite being familiar with its language and its traditions and rituals, I’ve felt utterly disengaged and detached from Taiwan; it feels so foreign to me, it might as well be another planet that I’m living on. It’s not something I’ve felt visiting other countries in Asia or living in Thailand, so it’s taken me by surprise. It’s true what they say: You can never go home again.

What it really means to be a “hidden immigrant” 

When we moved here, I expected there to be some misunderstandings and the need to explain myself when interacting with the locals. After all, while I look like everyone here and somewhat speak their language, my behavior and thinking aren’t quite the same as theirs. What I hadn’t anticipated was how difficult it has been to get people to understand what I am, to overcome the locals’ prejudices and misconceptions that I am “one of them.”

I’ve met very few people who are able to grasp the idea that I am Taiwanese in ethnicity and appearance only, and nothing else. Even after explaining myself and my story to them, most of the locals still insist on treating me as a local and expect me to interact with them as a local, with all the background knowledge and inferences that one would have as a native to a particular culture. This insistence–mixed, perhaps, with some unwillingness–on seeing me as who they want me to be has proven to be extremely frustrating at times. I feel invisible and overlooked. Their insistence on labeling me as who they want me to be, and putting me in a box in which I don’t belong, also has felt offensive and disrespectful to me.

Moreover, while my western friends here wax poetic about how nice, kind, and helpful the locals are, I’ve not been the beneficiary of this type of behavior or treatment. What I’ve learned while living and traveling in Asia is that, generally, the locals aren’t treated as well by other locals as the westerners tend to be. As someone whose appearance is similar to many across Asia, I’m generally treated the same way as the locals, with all the accompanying prejudices and biases.

What it really means to be a Third Culture Kid (TCK) 

Growing up as an immigrant and TCK in the United States, I never felt I belonged. I always felt “foreign,” like a temporary visitor. Now, after having lived in two different countries as an adult, I realize that I will probably always feel that way, regardless of where I live, but I also feel perfectly at home with this role.

Having grown up as a TCK has allowed me to be flexible, adaptable, and resourceful. It has enabled me to recognize the transient nature of life, to be able to move on fairly easily when circumstances call for it, to be open to different experiences and situations, and to be accepting of differences. On the other hand, I don’t allow myself to become too attached to any one person or any single place because I know I will be moving on at some point. While I know I will be able to manage and adapt over time, regardless of where I am, I also will likely always feel most at home among others who are also “outsiders.” I will always feel most at home when I feel I belong to no one group while simultaneously belonging to all groups.

My values and priorities 

Our time in Thailand helped me to clarify what I want out of life as an individual. But our time in Taiwan not only has further clarified my personal values and priorities, but also my values and priorities as a parent. I have been observing for almost a year now the single-minded focus on academic achievement at all costs on the part of the parents and students at our school; the pressure the kids–even elementary-aged kids–constantly feel from their over-scheduled lives and unrealistic expectations from their parents; and the attention placed on, and the flaunting of, wealth and social status by the parents and their kids. Hobbies and interests outside of school are discouraged, unless they are for furthering one’s chances of academic success and social status.

I want it to be different for my son, which would be more difficult if he continued to be surrounded by this type of thinking and behavior. I want him to be more well-rounded, develop his whole person, be kind and compassionate. I want him to know there is more to life than making a lot of money (though having money can be useful in life). I want him to know there is life beyond school, grades, and the focus on Ivy League schools. I want him to be a global citizen who enjoys and actively participates in all aspects of life.

Similarly, living in Taiwan also has helped me to identify the kind of lifestyle I want. Taiwan is an easy, comfortable, and safe place to build a life without having to take on many of the risks that usually come with living overseas. Life here is convenient, with many products such as food, beauty products, and furniture imported from North America and Europe. Those living here not only have most of the conveniences of the western world, but also the lower cost of living of many Asian countries. Because of these perks, Taiwan attracts many westerners looking for an easy life.

The issue for me is that life here feels too easy, too comfortable. As I’ve said many times this past year, my world opened up while living in Thailand, but it has closed off living in Taiwan. One of the main purposes of living overseas, in my opinion, is to challenge yourself by getting out of your comfort zone, to learn about life, and to grow as a person. I haven’t felt or experienced that this year, which I understand may be due to the fact that I was already familiar with the culture here prior to our move. But we also haven’t found anyone in our social circle who shares our values or our interests in delving into another culture. It would’ve made a big difference in our experience here to have a like-minded community or friend–someone or a group with whom we can share our values, perspective, thoughts.

Taking “home” for granted

Having spent a good part of this past year searching for interesting activities, places, and events for ourselves and for our son, and having come up empty-handed more often than not, I’ve come to realize that we have taken for granted the area where we call home in the U.S. Just in the city that we call home alone, we have access to a variety of events and activities, whether they are religious, kid- or family-friendly, educational, international, or cultural. We have easy and free access to world-class museums as well as beautiful local and national parks. Moreover, the fifty states themselves provide a diverse array of landscapes, geography, climate, environment, and culture for us to explore. While we are busy showing our son the world, we have taken for granted what his own birth country has to offer and neglected to help him better appreciate its beauty and diversity.

Having lived here also has made me appreciate all the more the general creativity, imagination, individualism, and outspoken nature of the American people. It has magnified for me the importance of teaching children to be independent, flexible, and critical thinkers; to learn about and know themselves; and to be able to express themselves.

We are very much looking forward to repatriating and settling down for a while, to seeing our own country from a fresh perspective, and to enjoying it and appreciating it for what it is and what it has to offer.

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In Munich, we had a rented apartment, free weekends to travel and soak in the vibes of different countries and cities. It was all a temporary, and unsustainable of course, lifestyle planned for a short time. But I knew we had to find ways to replicate even the smallest bits upon moving back home. Am I always successful at it? No.

You see, the thing I knew all along is that moving back would mean so much less time, personally and as a nuclear family. After our repatriation, we bought a house, which we are still working hard to renovate. We fell into the multiple American-activities-for-kids-world; the only way kids actually see their friends. Neighborhoods are not what they used to be and we have to drive everywhere. We said good-bye to bike rides and picnics in the park on the weekends which we so admired, and hello to busy Sundays, where games are on and stores are open. There is no real day for rest; one change which my heart sunk over.

During my years abroad, I was privy to what was happening with my family back home. This meant both the good and bad. I will never forget the feeling when my grandmother went into surgery. Would I ever see her again?

I knew that coming home meant that my life would change. Although I yearned to be near my loved ones again, I felt in a sense, that I would be out of “time.” Although my stay alone in Munich was often marred by loneliness, I had also come to love this certain space in life, where I was mostly free, that soon life would go back to the “same old things.” But perhaps, it does not need to feel like this.

I began to wonder – how do you balance helping and being there for family (especially when you hold a whole lot of guilt for missing them for some years) and yet still be true to yourself? Still stay the writer and person I had grown to be, still be the tight knit nuclear family we had become when all we that had was one another? How could I revamp life to some sort of “normal” again. But a different normal? One that now suits me and my family now. How can I reserve the energy to pursue the things I most desired when this move  and repatriation seems to have burned me out?

The answers do not come easy. Every day is still a challenge. In passing moments, I lose pieces of my former life – from habits formed in other places to freedoms to new worries in my home society, which is so different than it was four years ago, to fitting in and making new friends.

Repatriation should not mean you leave pieces of yourself on the wayside, blowing in the wind, listless, at its mercy.

You likely have grown stronger, different, more focused on what is important for your life and how to communicate who you are or you could be completely and utterly more confused than ever. Use it. Use all of it. We cannot lose the momentum we have gained. Don’t leave your new self on the wayside, just because you are back in a place that is comfortable and familiar. Harness it. Focus. We’ve got this.

The post Wayside, A Repatriation Reminder appeared first on I am a Triangle.

I went from vibrant, excited and inspired to lethargic, homebound and unmotivated. Even the way I dressed and showed up to the world changed after we left Asia to return “home” to the United States. I tucked away my colorful skirts made out of old saris, and hung up my bangles and beautiful earrings. I adopted an attitude of “don’t stand out” and “fit in as quickly as possible.”

What I’ve since realized since that time, is that I wasn’t the only one. I had failed to prepare for the process of repatriation with the same vigor as my research and prep work for our initial move abroad.

I did not march to the library and return home with armloads of books about the topic of moving “home” and I didn’t research “What is it like to live in the United States”, because I already knew how to do that, and what to expect. Right?

Was I ever wrong. Returning home deserved as much preparation as I’d given to our initial move abroad.

Going home can often be the most difficult part of living abroad, but it doesn’t have to be. I will be joining Dr. Cate Brubaker from Small Planet Studio for a free webinar on September 25th, 2017 to discuss re-entry and repatriation (and the use of that word, to begin with!). We will talk about the #1 reason why most folks have a hard time going back home, and also look toward five ways to prepare and THRIVE in the midst of your journey “back home.”

(and yes, we know that “home” is sometimes hard to define, so we use the term loosely when discussing re-entry and repatriation)

Even if you aren’t available to view the live webinar and Q&A between Naomi and Cate, please do register, and you’ll be provided an opportunity to watch the recorded version!

SIGN UP FOR THE WEBINAR: CLICK HERE

Share this post with friends and family who might benefit from this important discussion.

Dr. Cate Brubaker is also the author of the amazing Re-Entry Relaunch Roadmap, which we will be talking about during the webinar, as well as her upcoming mastermind!

Have you been through the re-entry journey? What was your experience like?

SIGN UP FOR THE WEBINAR: CLICK HERE

The post Returning Home & Re-Thinking Re-Entry appeared first on I am a Triangle.

Nine months ago, HH (handsome hubby) and I repatriated to the USA. After four magical years in Abu Dhabi, UAE, we put our worldly possessions into 32 boxes and prayed for them to end up on land, not at the bottom of the ocean. We gifted our plants, dishes, anything with a plug, and all food stuffs from the cupboards and fridge to friends and building staff.

Attending “good-bye” parties and luncheons reminded me of loss and new adventures. I chose to say the Hawaiian phrase, “A hui hou” which means “until we meet again,” rather than “bye.” I know I will see my dear friends again, somewhere in this world.

Our physical process began in Dallas, Texas, our city of birth, to visit friends and family, celebrate Thanksgiving, and witness the outcome of the presidential election. We scoured our parents’ homes for dishes, pots, pans, electric appliances and a bicycle for our new place. HH put the finishing touches on our move, and our U-Haul truck was packed and ready for our 2-
day road trip to our new life adventure.

Arriving the last week of December, our new “home” rolled out the welcome mat: snow, icicles, rain and wind. Please note: We’ve lived on a coast for the past thirty-two years, so this was quite a change. I was chary to move to a cold climate, but my mother and Mother-in-Law gifted me with heavy coats, so I was prepared. Here we are: inland, near St. Louis, Missouri, our fifth state in the US to call home, and we know no one.

HH has a new job replete with co-workers, tasks and a strategy for upward mobility. Voilà, my work: make friends, learn my way around, stop whimpering. A fellow Triangle said to me, “Your world has shifted; and you are reminded of loss. Natural for us. Embrace the feelings, then move on. You must acknowledge what happened, but not let it rule you.”

Months one through six are now a blur, yet a plethora of NDBs (never done before) and tuition (learning experiences as we call them). As Deepak Chopra said, “You must find the place inside yourself where nothing is impossible.” In February, I learned the best place to buy flowers and balloons for Valentine’s Day. In March, I bought a car and a gym membership. (I call it “adult day camp.”) We filled April through July with county fairs, meeting a bald eagle, a street parade, a winery, a St. Louis Cardinals baseball game, a distillery tour, several theatre productions, and many beautiful sunsets.

In my recent former life, I played Mah Jong weekly, organized entertainment bi-monthly for an expat group of over 200 women, hosted a weekly Happy Hour, and participated in a monthly Film Club. My new life is comprised of the gym, grocery stores, exploring surrounding cities, and then back home. HH and I explore out of our county on weekends.

I have learned so much in just six months. Similar to Jonathan Livingston Seagull, I am a different gull now. Today, I choose to be grateful for everything: sunny days, budding friendships, and travel plans. I set an intention each morning and write down three gratitudes each evenings. Intentions are like magnets; the more we declare them, believe in them and act in ways to manifest them, the more powerful and real they become. According to Amit Amin,“By taking the time to consciously express gratitude, we remember what we already have in our lives, and things we should be grateful and happy for.”

Being happy never goes out of style. -Lily Pulitzer

So, six months later, I don’t weep daily; I use every form of social communication to stay in touch and up-to- date with my friends from my former cities, states and countries; our new home is unpacked (except for the boxes of wedding china and childhood photos), decorated and clean (I just bought a new Hoover.)

Moves are challenging, but as Triangles, we are equipped to handle it. How do I know that? We are a group of people with abundant curiosity, which is key to moving and living in other places.

Tips: Smile. Set up a coffee date. Go to a museum, festival, faire, park, walking/hiking trail, or theatre. Find an arena football game to enjoy with a fellow Triangle. Read between the lines when you talk to new people: they may describe emotions you are familiar with.

You can be the one who helps them, and in turn, helping yourself. It’s a big, colorful world….explore and enjoy it. Be so happy that when others look at you, they become happy too. Finally, share your story. It will delight and inspire others. Triangles are amazing, resilient, extraordinary people. Poof, let the magic of of your new place begin, and bloom where you are planted.

The post Knock Knock, Who’s There? appeared first on I am a Triangle.

But we couldn’t be more wrong.

Relationship Surprises upon Repatriation

When my family and I repatriated to the United States two years ago, we faced multiple obstacles and challenges from the moment of re-entry, inside the airport, to over a year later, when life finally felt more “normal” again. Everything—the climate and seasonal changes, the clean and wide streets, driving, the abundance of green spaces, grocery shopping, paying bills, the food, the languages we heard daily—felt foreign again. Our city also had changed quite a lot in the two years we were gone—buildings had been torn down or renovated, and new shopping and residential buildings had been built. Living in the Washington, D.C., metro area and re-entering the legal profession, I was also again bombarded by political news on a regular basis. This was quite a shock to my system, having returned from a country where I didn’t speak or understand the language and so was able to choose the level of exposure to news.

Perhaps the biggest adjustment that we had to make was the way we related to others at home, whether it was family members, friends, or strangers – non-expats. In the two years we lived overseas, the way we interacted with others, our values, and our perspectives all had changed. In this respect, we no longer understood the thinking of those at home, and many of our family members and friends at home no longer understood my thinking.

It began as we stepped off the plane and made our way through immigration, where the airport immigration staff tersely yelled for everyone to hurry up. Outside the airport, no one offered to help, smiled, or made eye contact, which was the opposite of what we had become used to in Thailand, even from strangers. My then-eight-year-old son observed, “No one smiles here; people seem very unfriendly in America.” Welcome home, son.

As the days and weeks passed and we met up with more friends and family members, it became increasingly obvious that we no longer connected with many people we know, particularly if they had never traveled or lived abroad.

First, no one understood the difficulties of the process of re-establishing ourselves in our home country; after all, we had lived there for decades. Despite having an excellent credit history, still owning a house, and being gainfully employed in the USA, we still had difficulties renting an apartment and getting car insurance, all because we had left the country for two years. It was as if we were immigrants stepping foot into the country for the first time.

Some of our family members and friends also took it personally when we voiced our desire to return overseas again and our thinking that there are other countries that offer a better quality of life than the United States. Some friends thought our time overseas was a temporary arrangement, an adventure that we had gotten out of our system, and we had returned home to stay. They would comment with respect to our repatriation, “This is your home; this is where you belong now,” or “You need to be with your family and we are your family.” Even members of my extended family, who are immigrants themselves, questioned why I would ever want to leave “America, the land of opportunities.” They would point out the negative aspects of living overseas to thwart my desire to move overseas again.

Then there were those who thought we were unpatriotic for criticizing the United States, its government, and its values. Many people couldn’t understand why we feel the country isn’t as great as Americans think it is or that the world doesn’t revolve around the United States, and didn’t believe us when we told them that most people we had met abroad agreed with us. They also seemed perplexed and surprised that we would make decisions to counter the American culture of materialism and consumerism, such as traveling to and exploring another country, instead of giving material gifts, for the Christmas holiday. A few people thought we were depriving our son by not heaping on the material gifts on special occasions.

It was also lonely for us to return home, after having experienced so many wondrous places, met so many fascinating people, and seen so many interesting things. Except for friends who were from another country, who had been expats themselves, or who have traveled internationally and extensively, no one could relate to our life overseas or wanted to hear about them. While there’s a scientific reason why this happens (No One Cares About Your Awesome Vacation), it was still pretty lonely and hurtful. We had to pretend that our expat life never existed.

Relationship Tips for Repatriates

Reconnecting with family and friends is probably one of the trickiest aspects of repatriation. Time has passed, you have changed, and they have changed. While relating to friends and family back home again may be a challenge, it is possible to find common ground with them and find your place in a country that no longer feels like home.

First, prior to repatriating, while you’re still in your host country, start re-familiarizing yourself with cultural and other developments and current events in your home country and city. By doing this, you’ll ease yourself back into your home country’s culture and society.

Once home, pause to process the reality of your former and current lives. Take time to enjoy all that you had missed while away, whether it’s the food, the culture, the environment, the conveniences or the shopping options.

Be selective about whom you spend time with. Seek out friends and family who understand, who are interested in your journey, who ask questions, who listen, who share in your joys and sorrows. Pick your battles when it comes to interactions with people and their perspectives.

Try to see things from the perspective of your friends and family. Remember, they haven’t had the broadening experiences you have; they have always lived the life they live. How they live is not wrong, but simply different from what you’re used to. They don’t know that there are others who do things differently than they do.

Stay connected with the expat life through international newspapers and foreign-language books, foods, cultural events or international volunteer organizations. Seek out communities and online social groups geared towards expats, such as I Am a Triangle (iamatriangle.com), where there are others who have gone through the same thing and understand your feelings. Share your story through a blog and with expat friends you made while overseas.

The repatriation process can be more challenging than the expatriation process. It is always helpful to hear about others’ repatriation experience.

What are some things you have done to help with your own repatriation process?

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